And so begins a love affair...

I found Tumblr.

Yep yet another social media account to distract me from everyday life. Like twitter it took me a while to really get it (and I still don't always fully understand it), but I discovered some wonderful FA and Fatposi blogs which frankly MAKE MY DAY!

I cannot tell you how awesome it is to have an arsenal of fat and fabulous people on my iPhone wherever I go. When I'm feeling low I can go and have a scroll through Chubby Bunnies and it just lights up my day. And the reason? Because filling your head with such a wonderful array of body diversity really starts to strip away this notion of one size fits all beauty. That's not to say of course I'd exclude thinner and fit bodies from my idea of beauty, but I can see that kind of beauty anywhere and EVERYWHERE I go. Its shoved down our throats whether we like it or not.

Of course some of my faves from the Fatosphere float around tumblr too. Lately I've been crushing on Courtney from the Glitter Thread just love her style and look!

Am I incredibly slow to catch on to Tumblr? How many of you guys use it?

I've leave you with a few of my recent faves:

Follow me here leave your link in the comments and I'll follow you :-D

October Round Up

Hi guys! Slow on the blogging front, as I'm having trouble actually photographic my outfits. Need to sort myself out!

Any way I did get a few snaps of some of the stuff I've been wearing this month. I had a mini spree on ebay, and got two pairs of shorts (bad timing I know, now the weather is turning, but I thought they'd be cute with thick tights.

The first are a pair of spotty New Look culottes in an 18. I thought I'd be brave and wear them with a black top tucked in so they were as visible as possible. 

Also wearing a simple black cardi, claret tights and my sneaker style heel wedges.

Here's a close up shot (on a different day) they are furry lined and can be worn rolled down too - only with my little shorts and red tights, I kinda felt like something from the movie Elf, so I left them up for the pictures. They were from peacocks last winter and are the only big heels I can wear these days 4inch but because they're wedge they're dead comfy.

 

The second pair of shorts I got where some denim ones. I wore this outfit to go bowling in and felt super cute. I'm wearing the same claret tights in this pic, with an off the shoulder top.

 

 

 Other things I've been up to? 

 

Eating lots of delicious muscles.

Finding time for the odd manicure

Helping the hubster test his cooking skills for college.

Not bothering with makeup most days

 

Wearing a flamboyant hat to work for Halloween

Going all out Halloween for skating practice (only to over heat so badly I had to throw up - don't exercise in hot costumes kids!)

And being scared by this huge beast! (car keys for scale)

How was your October? Oh god..its nearly Christmas!

Learning

Hey everyone!

I've had a bit of increased traffic of late due to the excellent link ups I partook in, via the Near Sighted Owl and the Militant Baker - two of my favourite blogs. Which is amazing! So thank you to everyone who has commented on my posts or is now following my blog. However since those last few posts I've been a bit stumped as to where I want to take this...

I'm loving the fashion posts but I've not really found the main purpose for this blog yet. I think ,or at least, I want it to be about my personal discovery of self acceptance, the wonderful world of fat acceptance with a side of HAES, but in all honestly my writing just isn't up to scratch yet and there are so many things whizzing in my brain I don't even know where to start.

I have a few conflicting feelings which I will attempt to explain and will probably just highlight just how utterly new I am to all this.

The first thing is that I almost feel ashamed to be the newbie to all these wonderful concepts. Like why the hell did it take me this long to realise what was staring me in the face all these years? I guess the answer to that is that the media had me so fooled by the idea of "you can make yourself BETTER with diet and exercise". It had me believing that my fat body was bad - that it could be molded like a big, clay lump if only I had the right tools/will power and wasn't so lazy.

What I didn't realise at the time is that I projected those ideas on to others and thats where my biggest shame lies. Of course I was never a concern troll or bully or nasty to anyone of size (other than internally to myself!), but I actually believed in the whole "personal responsibility/ fat people can change if they really want to/should change" myth and thats because you have to, if you want to hold on to the thin myth. To truly believe that fat = bad and change = magical life about yourself, you're pretty much projecting that hate and ideal onto others without even meaning to. That's exactly how 'they' want us to stay, because the thin myth is just that - utter bullcrap designed to keep us consuming products.

The other confliction is the idea of thin privilege - another new concept to me and actually owning up to that for the first time in my life - I guess deep down I always knew it was there but never truly thought about it or faced it.

Then I read a few bits and bobs, tweets, tumblr posts, blogs that almost made me feel like a fat imposter that I was too small to be calling myself plus size and existing in the fatosphere wasn't right. This made me a bit sad because I have always identified as fat. I have suffered through shame and struggles particularly as a child and the discoveries of the last few months made me feel like I was home.

I think with that though, I need to acknowledge that being on the small end of plus side means I need to call out my thin privileges and really acknowledge them too.

I can still shop in most high street stores. 16-18's are not as hard as they used to be to get hold of
I'm somewhere between an hour glass/pear which is still a "socially acceptable" shape
I carry my fat fairly evenly across my body and I'm tall - I'm fat but don't have any stand out features
I still fit in aeroplane seats/ booths/ roller coasters etc..

Once I've accepted them I need to call bullshit on them! Friends will say when fat bashing - "Oh I wasn't talking about you. You're not THAT fat. You have a nice figure - you're just curvy".

Bull shit. Why are certain fat shapes unacceptable? Do you really think that about me or is that literally just because I'm in the room?

Clothed I don't appear that fat, but my body bears the evidence of when I was a lot bigger. I have an apron fold of fat (and nope, no baby to show for it), a host of stretch marks and a lot of excess skin on my upper arms. My skin is genetically not particularly great at snapping back. So when people point out those kind of "flaws" on other people they are essentially saying it about me, when they call out someone who is large they were saying that about the way I used to be. Is that what they thought of me back then? Why do I suddenly have more value because those things about me are less visible?

I feel so hyper aware at the moment. So many concepts, so many injustices so much tangible feeling around these topics I feel like I could talk for hours to anyone who would listen (my husbands gets the brunt at the moment), but I also feel like I don't really fully understand the gravity and magnitude around it all yet. At the moment I'm just trying to absorb as much info as I can. I'm surrounding myself with images and stories and posts from wonderful people fighting the good fight, to love themselves and those around them.

I've been so eager to read and learn that I haven't really paused to remember which sources are from where, but I read this great thing recently that utterly described it.

Discovering fat acceptance/HAES is like being unplugged from the matrix

If you said this or know where it came from then please let me know and I'll credit it! It may have not even been in that exact context but it totally resonated with me the moment I saw it. You unhook from all these horrible conceieved ideas and its like you see the world properly for the first time, and yet so many others are still plugged into it, and oh boy do they want to stay that way! I want to run in and start unplugging as many people as possible, but its just not that simple.

Being utterly open to beauty in fat bodies has completely broadend my view to all bodies, avoiding sources of anti-fat propaganda and pre-subscribed. photoshop images, means I'm seeing so much more diverse beauty everywhere and I love it. Seeing it in others helps me to also see it in myself.

The more aware I've become of it and the more confident I've found myself, the more I actually feel sad for people around me who still berate themselves. In particular my thinner friends who are as much victims of thin privilege as I am. I wish I could unplug them from the matrix and help them see in them what I see.

This blog is my little baby steps towards being the fat activist I want to be. I figure that if I can start anywhere I can start inwardly, and already I feel like I've made huge progress.

I have soooo much to learn, but I'm ready for the first time in my life to be truly educated.

If any of you have any awesome resources, blogs, fatshion sites, HAES sites...then please send them my way!

  




 

Give me your number...

Hi guys! This post has been on my mind for a while but I wanted to blog about clothing sizes! Inspired in part by yesterday's Proud of My Size link up, I think most of us probably have the same problem in actually pinning our bodies down to one size since it varies so hugely from shop to shop. 

To illustrate it here's a random selection of the clothing labels in my wardrobe, ranging from an 8 to a 22.

 

Yep, that’s right and every single piece pictured here fits me perfectly - or at least it fits exactly how I want it to fit.

The size 8 makes me laugh because I have never been that small in my adult life. Its a big cuddly, purple cardigan from Peacocks and was clearly meant to be "oversized". Even so, its so big it slips off my shoulders! It would look like a huge sack on someone of the size for which is was intended.

The 22 is actually my wedding dress label. Its a Vivian of Holloway 50's halter neck and admittedly had to be taken in slight in the bust, but only because I'm fairly small chested, the waist was a perfect fit!

So whats my point? Well my point is that a lot of people put great stock in the number that is in their clothes. I have slim friends who practically cry themselves to sleep when they have to purchase a size 12, instead of their normal 10 - which I find just silly! A) all shops are different and B) it doesn't mean they've suddenly got fatter over night and C) is it really the end of the world if they did get slightly bigger if they still feel great?

My advice to anyone is get good at eye-balling clothes. As an avid charity shop/car-boot raider and thrifter I look at clothes to see if I think they will fit me, then look at the label, then try them on. If they look good I wear them.The label makes no difference if when I wear it, it feels good.Sometimes manufacturers produce things to fit certain types and shapes, but sometimes going up or down a few sizes will produce different/better effects on different body sizes.

Here's my lovely new charity shop jumper from by French Connection. Its a 12 - clearly I'm not a 12 but I love the fit. It has super cute bows on the back too. If I had just looked at the label and not the fit, I'd have missed out!

So my lovely strawberries do you pay attention to clothes sizes? Or do you just buy what you want and what fits you?

xx

OOTD - Cowboys in Texas - Proud of my size.

Good morning lovelies!

I've wanted to join in with the Proud of My Size link up run by Rachel over at the Near Sighted Owl since I stumbled across her blog. If you've not read it before get over there now, not only is her writing style great, she's gorgeous and is fighting the good fight when it comes to body image and a bit of self love!

So here's my image! Its taken 27 years to come to the conclusion that I'm ok just the way I am. That a number does not dictate my worth in anyway shape or form and that taking care of myself physically and mentally is whats important. I was a ladies size 16/18 when I was in my tweens, and I remember being so ashamed that I had to get my school uniform from Marks and Spencers because kids clothes didn't fit me. No kid should go through that. All it would have took was for a few suppliers to up size a little. I wasn't even that fat, I was just tall and well built, but the shame piled on by external forces, (surprisingly mostly adults rather my child peers) can really effect a young mind.

You know what, I've never been an unhappy fat person. Over the years I've been from a size 16 to a 24 and any dislike, shame, disappointment or feelings of unattractiveness were brought on by societies view of me and how I was told to view myself - not how I felt inside. My body has never reached that size that is totally "socially acceptable" and it never will. Now I've changed my mindset I'm comfortable with that - freeing yourself from that burden is awesome!

And now for the outfit...

Last weekend I went on a bit of charity shop crawl. I picked up an epic snuggly jumper dress by French Connection (which I will do as an outfit post soon), and my eye was also caught by this crazy shirt by warehouse with an awesome kitsch cowboys print.

The shirt just drew me straight in and at £2.50 I couldn't say no. The problem however is that I don't wear crazy prints, or shirts for that matter so how to style it??

So I made a bit of an attempt at a cow girl look with a bit of a retro twist.

Shirt - Charity Shop

Vest - Asda

Jean Shorts - Asda (cut off)

Ankle cowboy boots - Peacocks.

 Didn't really have time to accessories as had to run out of the door after this was shot, but just put a head scarf on to add to the look.

Bit of a step out of my comfort zone with a loud print, but I think it works and felt kinda rocking in it!

After I took the pics I tucked the vest into the shorts which improved the look a bit I think, forgot to photograph it. Hubby said it was a bit Daisy Duke esque...

Have you guys ever brought a piece that goes with nothing in your usual wardrobe but you just had to have? How did you style it? 

x

Inner voices

Hello my lovelies, just wanted to blog a bit today about our inner voices and how much they affect everything we do in our life, and for the most part ,can be our biggest enemy.

On my journey to start loving my body I've regularly started practicing using comments that are kind and helpful. With the aid of all you seriously fierce bloggers out there, its slowly getting easier to quiet down the negative comments. Don't get me wrong they're still there, but they're not shouting anywhere near as loud. One thing I've found helpful is to ask myself why I think the things I do about my body. If I look in the mirror and think to myself:

"Urgh my loose arm skin looks horrid!"
 

I force myself to ask: Why do I think it looks bad? How can I turn that around? Who is my loose arm skin effecting? Who says its not acceptable? Who actually gives a shit? Where do my perceptions that is it "ugly" come from? If I see someone else with fat arms do I judge them? Why?

When you start posing these kind of questions to yourself it starts to become easier to see through the BS you've been fed and start seeing that there is nothing wrong with you!

Since when was my agenda ever to be "acceptable" anyway? Don't I want to be extraordinary? Special? A bit of a rebel? Don't I just want to be me??

 

 And yet, whilst I'm slowly recognising the inner voice that tells me "I look wrong", "I could be more attractive if I was thinner", "I SHOULD be thinner", "Being thinner = better life",  its started to make me realise how much self bashing I do in all areas of my life and how impactful negative self talk is.

I've mentioned briefly in other posts that I play roller derby. I don't want to go into huge detail about it but its a major part of my existence and I can't help relating a lot of things to it. Its actually helped me understand me, and I continue to surprise myself in this journey of understanding. Anyway...I'm utterly motivated by it, and yet I find myself holding myself back by retaining negative thoughts instead of clinging to, and reinforcing, the positives.

During practive I find myself apologising to team mates if I think a block or a hit, or a turn or a stop isn't executed right. I mentally berrate myself if I start to feel tired, uncapable, out of my depth. I come home feeling low and as though I'm not reaching goals and targets quick enough, particularly when others around me are excelling quickly. (Comparing yourself to others in any situations...is rarely a good idea)

Its utterly frustrating and at times incredibly mentally demanding. Its the nature of any competitive sport I guess, but you know whats not helping? Me - or more specifically my negative inner voice.

By chosing to allow those comments..."What did I do that for??" "Seriously I'm an idiot??" "OMG she just saw me when I fell over my own feet for no reason!" to circle in my head I'm building a self belief that I'm not good enough, which in turn makes me feel like I'll never achieve what I want to.

If you chose to believe you can't. You never will.

I look at some of my team mates who have, or are becoming successful and I realise that although I can't read their minds, outwardly they never (or very rarely) engage in negative talk. Because not only is my internal monologue negative I often voice the thoughts to others too, which just reinforces it! My successful team mates speak only of how they did something well, how they will nail it next time. They very rarely apologise for mistakes even when they make them. Why should they? That's what practice is for.

Even when I do get compliments I find myself reflecting a self depricating comment back.

If someone says "That block (hit) was awesome!" - I will usually follow up with - "Oh thanks, but I fouled out straight after!" But but but...

Why do that?? Why turn a compliment into a chance to berate yourself? I don't think I'm alone in doing this? I do notice others do it too.

"Your hair colour looks nice!"

"Oh thanks, but its just a cheap bottle dye"

BUT BUT BUT.  No more butts. "Thank you" is an adequate response on its own.

I think mastering (and quieting) your own negative self talk, whether its related to your looks, weight, job performance, personality, emotions..anything, can be the key to real happiness and confidence.

We can't all be mentally full of sunshine, roses and puppies all the time - shit happens, emotions happen, but if you mentally talk to yourself like shit, instead of motiving change, you just motive more self doubt and hurt no one but yourself.

I'm going to be making a real effort from now on to root out negative self talk. Who's with me?

I'll leave you with this gem that actually happened last night before I went to sleep...

Me - "Why do I keep bringing myself down?!..Because you're a knob, that's why!"

 

High Tea and a red dress

Hello my lovelies! I've just got back from my holidays, managed to squeeze in a week off work and a 4 day mini break to Caister (near Great Yarmouth). The outfit I want to share with you is what I wore on one of my days off. We decided to visit a friends restaurant for high tea, so I decided to dress up. Man I was glad I did. The place is so special, and the outfit felt just right.

 

If you saw this post then you'll have had a glimpse of this lovely red dress I found at ASDA on the sale rail, and I've been wanting to wear it and do a post for a while. I've just worn leggings under this which do offer a small bit of support but otherwise I'm letting my shape hang free!

 

 

I'm not normally this brave, I have some issues with the way my hips go in and out and tummy issues. But I'm slowly starting to embrace it, and its so freeing! My mum got me the purple pumps from a discount store, they're mega comfy.

 

I also got this amazing coat from the same place on Sale for £10. It looks toasty, but its actually a really thin fabric with a lining. So its perfect for the between weather where its sunny with a bit of chill. I was drawn to it because its in my team colours, which ended up as a bit of a theme through this outfit - red and purple. 

 

The only size they had left was a 14. Its a little tight on the bust but still wearable.

 

The day before, I'd had my eyebrows threaded for the first time ever. Very cool! So I decided to make an effort with full makeup and even penciled a brow shape in which is another new thing to me.

I was also getting massively bored with my natural hair colour. I've been meaning to bleach it a little for a while, but I had to wait until I could get a colour remover to take out the red tones, from a Schwartzkopf bright red. I probably needn't have bothered as I got a bit bored waiting for the bleach to take and washed it out at this quite nice gingery tone anyway.What do you think? I just keep being reminded of honey badgers..can't imagine why?

x

 EDIT: - Totally forgot to add pics of the actual high tea, which was so awesome it has to be shared...